My Scattered Thoughts

Once there was a Gitomancer. He was a most puissant wielder of magic of a very particular kind. If he ate a lunch he didn’t like, he’d simply jump back to a pre-lunch commit and create a new lunch branch. That probably wasn’t the best way to do that, but he didn’t care. It worked well enough. Soon, though, there were fifteen versions (or branches, if you will) of the Gitomancer. (His name was Fred and he kept getting fatter and fatter the more he used his git magic. But that was OK. He had a pretty roomy wizard tower.) All the different Gitomancers, frankly, didn’t get along very well. Gitomancer (a41b6e7fdc295c4d40c50e64e59b282da2d5dcff) had terrible taste in fashion (yellow suspenders, for one). Gitomancer (9ad4227e44c76ea761bb3fd38f9c44152a4f2894) got crumbs just everywhere, even when he wasn’t eating anything. Inexplicable! Anyway, there was a big wizard showdown and then there were only three Gitomancers left (they were pretty sore, but thanks to their diff spell, they knew exactly who was who). They had a sneaking suspicion that all the others were still around. Somewhere.

Moral: It’s turtles all the way down.

Once there was a tab salesman. He was really good at selling tabs. Soon, everyone was like: See how many more knickknacks I can keep in my house? And, I’ve got 47 tabs of house plants! Around the same time, people got really excited about these long cats. Short cats were right out! People started collecting all the long cats they could get their hands on and stuffing them in any old tab. Later, the knickknacks got dusty, the house plants died from lack of water, and the long cats, tired of languishing in solitude and exile, rose up and overthrew their neglectful human overlords. Thus began their long reign of tyranny and funny cat pictures.

The tab salesman split town.

Moral: A tab is a terrible thing to waste.

Once there was a(n) protagonist.[animal|amusing occupation]. plot.[entertaining and unexpected detail.] The protagonist.[animal|amusing occupation] plot.[unlikely activity] plot.[unexpected detail] antagonist.[animal|vegetable|mineral].

Then detail.[pointed|whimsical|alarming] plot.[twistEvent].

Moral: moral.[oblique|whimsical|pointed]

I bet you didn’t know that it was a platypus, that strange amalgamation of twenty or so animals, who first discovered copy and paste. He was walking along, minding his own business, when he found it, just lying there. “Whoah!” he thought (in platypese of course) “Do you mean to say that if I copy this and paste this He was walking along, minding his own business, when he found it, just lying there. “Whoah!” he thought (in platypese of course) “Do you mean to say that if I copy this and paste this He was walking along, minding his own business, when he found it, just lying there. “Whoah!” he thought (in platypese of course) “Do you mean to say that if I copy this and paste this He was walking along, minding his own business, when he found it, just lying there. “Whoah!” he thought (in platypese of course) “Do you mean to say that if I copy this and paste this He was walking along, minding his own business, when he found it, just lying there. “Whoah!” he thought (in platypese of course) “Do you mean to say that if I copy this and paste this He was walking along, minding his own business, when he found it, just lying there. “Whoah!” he thought (in platypese of course) “Do you mean to say that if I copy this and paste this He was walking along, minding his own business, when he found it, just lying there. “Whoah!” he thought (in platypese of course) “Do you mean to say that if I copy this and paste this He was walking along, minding his own business, when he found it, just lying there. “Whoah!” he thought (in platypese of course) “Do you mean to say that if I copy this and paste this

Moral: With great power comes great responsibility.

They seemed so cute at first. They were always pointing the direction you wanted them to point. They really seemed to tie the room together. The wizard Zombardo had just finished banishing this helpful, letter-writing demon and was all set to write up some sweet magical spells. So he did. They were gonna be so sweet! He was especially looking forward to Minacora’s Effluveant Effervescence, boy that was gonna be fun! Well, anyway, he wrote some spells. But none of them worked. Upon closer inspection, to his horror, all his straight quotes had been replaced with curly ones. Also, weirdly, some words were underlined in red. The puissant wizard flung wide his shutters only to gaze upon true terror. Not his, everyone else’s. A baby cried somewhere. Cows and llamas rampaged. The shoemakers were all up in arms. Basically, just general unrest and mayhem. It was a bad scene. The wizard sobbed.

Moral: Turn off your curly quotes.

JSON was this mighty hero who found this pretty sweet-looking golden fleece. This chick, Medea, totally helped him out a bunch and JSON was totally gonna marry her because they had some kids and stuff. Unfortunately, he liked this other chick better, Creosote or something, which was an appropriate name, considering what happened later. So anyway, JSON was gonna marry Creosote and Medea was like, I’m not mad, see, I got Creosote this sweet wedding dress! Creosote was all, yay! But then she put on the dress, which burst into flame, and fried her (not-literal) bacon. It was a curst dress you see. Anyway, JSON was pretty bummed. Medea was all, I’m out! and flew away in a (literal) sun-chariot. JSON got super old and then his boat fell on him and killed him.

Moral: Invalid JSON has some bad consequences.

Once there was a forgetful walrus. He forgot his shoes once. He also forgot to eat breakfast a couple of times. One time, he even forgot he was a walrus.

Moral: You too can forget you are a walrus. And maybe you have?

Once there was a peacock who was most ethical and virtuous. He made no bones about letting everyone know exactly how ethical and virtuous he was. Indeed, all the animals in the forest knew who the most ethical animal was and where to find him. Including the Insatiable Hungry Python. Last Tuesday, the Insatiable Hungry Python ate the Most Ethical and Virtuous Peacock for lunch.

Moral: It’s easy to be ethical and virtuous when you’re dead.

Once upon a time there was a book that had all the answers to everything in it. Unfortunately, it was so badly written that no one wanted to actually read it. Some rats eventually made it into a nest.

Moral: If your content is a rat’s nest, it might as well be one.

One time there was this robot that looked like a snake. There was also a snake that looked like a snake. (A python, but not the Bi-Colored Python Rock Snake.)

The robot arched sinuously. “I can do that too,” said the snake, and did.

The robot charged up an electric car. “Welp, I can’t do THAT,” the snake said and wept a bitter tear.

A little door in the robot opened up and a tiny snake poked its head out (a garden-variety garden snake, if you must know), and said, “Hey, you sure can. Just get yourself one of these babies!”

The python got its own robot suit and spent the rest of its days “happily” charging up electric cars.

Moral: Just because you look like a robot, doesn’t mean you are one.