The All-Seeing Eye of Sauron

(But what about his ears?)

Sauron, former servant of Morgoth, etc etc, had a problem. He’d tried being a Necromancer for a while, but everyone had seen how well that worked out. Besides, he’d gotten super tired of zombies, turns out. Orcs were scintillating conversationalists by comparison. Also, Mirkwood had a serious mildew problem, and after a couple centuries there, he’d developed a serious mold allergy. And food? There were only so many ways to cook mushrooms.

Anyway, good riddance! Mordor had a delightfully dry and sunny clime. Well, the sun was up there somewhere above the volcanic ash and orcish industrial effluvia. So, yay?

After that wizard scoundrel’s tiresome meddling, Sauron vowed that he’d never be snuck up on again. Hence the All-Seeing Eye business. Only one, because he’d needed the other for things like pouring milk into his (evil) breakfast cereal and reading his ancient (and evil) esoteric tomes of forgotten yada yada.

Downside to the All-Seeing Eye: he’d forgotten to put in an off switch. Ugh. There was Elrond prancing around in his “magical” (magically gross, you mean!) glade. There was Gandalf incessantly smoking pipeweed and blowing those stupid smoke rings. There was Saruman trying to look secretly sinister in his bathroom mirror while trimming his nose hairs.

By Morgoth (cursed be his eternally vile name)! But the White Council were a dull bunch. It got so he couldn’t even enjoy an Orc ear sandwich in peace!

Sauron sighed, rattling the tea cups, at least. He stared at some rocks for a couple weeks.

Ah! Much better.

When he looked up, a couple hobbits were scrabbling up Mount Doom…

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