Parade for My Cat

If I were to put on a parade for my cat, I’d make sure no other cats were invited. He hates them. His whole body bristles up into furious ball and he screams like nothing I’ve ever heard. And that’s just when the cats stroll through our backyard. Other than the HVAC repairman, I can’t think of anything that Norman hates more. If I were to put on a parade for my cat, I would make sure there were a lot of feathers. He loves feathers. I’d make sure that there were feathers hanging from strings. I’d shoot feathers into the air out of mighty feather cannons and they’d be gloriously quiet. So that many different colors of feathers would drift down from the sky. It would feel like a sea of puddles. (I’d hire street cleaning trucks to come by later to sweep them up, never fear.) I’m talking big feathers! Like peacock feathers and ostrich feathers and albatross feathers. I’m talking little feathers! Like chickadees and whippoorwills and hummingbird feathers. There’d be no dogs at this parade I think it goes without saying, but oddly my cat seems ambivalent about dogs. At least he doesn’t mind watching them walk by peering through the screen door in our front door. You know that Smellovision? Well, I’d make sure that there was just a constant aroma of tuna and salmon and just assorted fish smells. Hey! This parade is for my cat. I recommend nose plugs. So anyway, there’s gotta be some chicken smells in there plus maybe some beef, because he likes all that stuff. And then I’m thinking this parade has got to be on a very sunny day. No rain allowed! So I’ll get the top meteorologists on the case to make sure the date and time means only sun, no rain. Fortunately I don’t think that my cat is big on calendars or even clocks, so probably if we have to reschedule, he’ll be fine with it. But better to be safe than sorry, you know? He’s pretty punctual when it comes to breakfast, so maybe he’s got a thing for calendars too. So, anyway, I’m thinking: centerpiece of the parade is just a whole pile of cardboard boxes and paper bags (arranged tastefully!) because I’ve never met a cat that likes paper products so much. Hey, let’s throw some cardboard tubes in there as well, but preferably big enough for him to crawl inside. That’s the ticket! Also a cat tree. And a comfy chair or three. We’ll clear the roads for miles around, wending our way through the city, so that thousands of people can come out to see the parade. I’ll hand out flags before hand with my cat’s face on them so that people can wave them in his honor. Then after long months of planning and a long day of parading, we’ll take a nap in his honor. Which is what he’ll probably have done throughout the whole parade. It’ll be the best parade for a cat this town has ever seen!