Monthly Archives: March 2017

Hopscotch with the Sephirot

(I could’ve sworn it was Sephiroth, but apparently that’s a Final Fantasy character.)

Jane had been out front with the chalk and the sidewalk for quite a while. Ma put the final touches on the bronze sculpture she’d welded together from scraps she’d picked up at that old scrap heap down the way. Dad popped those apple turnovers he’d been fussing over for the past hour or so into the oven and brushed some flour off his hands. They both peeked out the window at their little sweetie scribbling furiously on the sidewalk with her piece of chalk. Awww, they said, or something like. They they went back to their parenty to do list items.* A while later, after several to do list items had been crossed off, they peeked out the window again. Jane was standing next to the sidewalk while some neighbor kids hopped along the sidewalk in a line. How cute, they said, then noticed that the line stretched down the block. Those parents wandered outside to see what was what. “OK, Bobby! You can’t land on Hod or Chesed! Those are blocked off!” Jane cried. Bobby tried to hop along the sidewalk, faltered, and one foot thudded down. “Aww shucks,” Bobby said. “Back to the end of the line,” Jane said, “You’ll never reach the divine hopping like that!” Bobby raced back down the line, grinning. Kids these days, the parents said and wandered back inside.

 

* A little cross-stitch–a centaur battling a hydra–and the car’s oil change.

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An Unlikely Occurrence at 2502 N 47th St

(Or maybe it’s 2713 N 45th?)

The diner crashed down. Frank dropped his omelette plate on the floor (Farmer’s Banquet Omelette, side of bacon and a cup a fruit) and you just know he wasn’t gonna clean it up. Flora sighed and mopped the spilled coffee up off the counter, because what else was she gonna do? No one else around there was gonna do it. Marge pulled herself back up into the corner booth and went back to slurping her coffee and doing her sudoku. UNflappable, our Marge. Geraldo, the cook, shouted “Order up!” and slung the two eggs poached, two flapjacks, and a whole mess a bacon onto the counter, squinted through the window, and said, “Seem to have landed.” Flora nodded, grabbed the plate, and dropped it off at my table. Well, there was nothing to it but to tuck in, so I did. Not every day your diner survives a flight-by-tornado. I heard the sound of some faint, high-pitched voices outside, singing, and growing slowly louder…

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Remembering to Breathe

(Although it does seem to happen on its own most of the time.)

It happens all day and all night for everything that lives, from the duck-billed platypus to the humpbacked whale, surfacing to breathe from the breathless depths. From that baby’s first breath all the way to the end, that breathing just keeps on going. It only seems difficult when you think about it, all the lips and tongue and teeth and throat and nose that get involved, the air going back and forth, back and forth, and under it all there’s this rhythmic beat that’s easy to miss, unless the air is still and silent all around, perhaps the nighttime or a quiet patch of sun. Press that finger to find the pulse and maybe you’ll notice your  breathing while you do, without thinking about it. And then I’m thinking about my eyelids shuttering up and down. It’s not a machine, but it works and works and works, even when we’re sleeping, even through the darkest night or a napping patch of sun. And now I’m taking a deep breath and thinking, just thinking about those breaths. It only seems complicated when you think about it. Sometimes, like breathing, the words just come out, like they come in too, those groovy ears. Other times, each words feels like a piece of wood chopped in half, a small stack, growing, ready to burn. When we choose not to speak, that’s good, sometimes. Other times, there’s only breath. That’s got to be good enough, somehow. What an amazing thing it is, breathing, what it means. I’m still here. And now I’m still here. And now I’m still here. And now I’m still here. Breathing.

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The Dumbest Man in the World

(Trying… to… imagine… it…)

Once upon a time there was a dumb man. He was so dumb that he couldn’t think of any yo mama jokes, even though his mama had a lot of terrible personal failings, so you’d think he’d have a lot of great source material. He was also so dumb that, in spite of being blessed with great wealth and prosperity and an abundance of, well shit, just about anything anyone could want, he turned his nose up at all of it because it wasn’t a big enough pile of, well, pointless shit, when you got right down to it. He was so dumb that he heard this story about King Midas once and decided that it would be super cool if everything were covered in gold. And then he made that happen. (That gold saw really didn’t work out so well. Also, the gold steak knives. Also, the gold scissors. Gold’s soft, you see.) He was so dumb that, on the infinitesimally* rare occasion when someone else made an overture of friendship, he didn’t even recognize that that’s what was going on. He was so dumb that, shit, he was given pretty much everything (and I mean everything) his heart desired, but he still treated it all like a big heaping pile of shit. Now that’s dumb!

Moral: I’d feel sorry for him, only he’s just too dumb.

 

* Argh, had to look this one up too. Two many Ss. Just like molasses. Only I spelled it “molassess” and lost that spelling bee. I mean, kind of an embarrassing word to go out on, considering all the cool words I (can’t remember) spelling correctly.

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Is That Gravel in Your Voice?

(Or are you just glad to see me?)

Juncko Skazzarak the wizard’s voice was raspy from hours of incantations. What he wouldn’t give for a lozenge! You never read about wizards getting sore throats in those adventure novels that Yarbalast the Portly* was always carrying around, nose stuck in, etc. Juncko wouldn’t be caught dead reading those, the covers, yeesh! But he had a read a few on the toilet here and there, to pass the time, etc etc, while taking care of personal affairs, so to speak. Anyway, Juncko really preferred the menthol cough drops. They reminded him of the eucalyptus trees back home, but in a good way, not like orange marmalade, which was the bad way. Don’t get him started on orange marmalade, pretty much everyone thought after, really, well, first meeting. Wizards often met over breakfasts, so this did come up rather a lot. Juncko’s voice was sore because, quite frankly, he wasn’t a very good wizard. He’d missed the accented syllable on the 23rd passage of the Convocation of Illustrious Netherworld Beings Ill-Met By Moonlight (lesser version) for the Magickal Purposes of Ascertaining the True Time not just once but three times. All the wizard shoppe had were the damned cherry ones and those Juncko could not abide.

 

* Not because of the weight he carried, but because of the weight he carried. Should it have been “the Porter”? Come on!

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Millstones Don’t Make Good Earrings

(They’d make pretty sturdy shoes though.)

Millicent Toujoulaueab bestrode the puddle like a mighty colossus, etc etc. Some worms wriggled a bit on the wet ground. There was a break in the rain, although Millie’s raincoat and boots were still wet, and no sun actually shone through the clouds, there were only different shades of grey, flowing in layers across the sky. Millie laughed. Jumped. Landed. Splash! This rain was good for something, anyhow. And Millie ran off down the street, laughing. The sun shone through for a moment. Everything glittered. A rainbow arced across the sky. Millie’s knees were wet with mud.  Someone walked a dog six or seven blocks down the street. A squirrel ran off down a tree and up another one. There was the smell of chimney smoke in the air. The sun went away, but Millicent didn’t care. She ran off too, just like the sun. The worms still wriggled there.

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What Is Best in Life?

(I think you know who I’m talking about…)

Grorm the barbarian strode purposefully through the foul wizard’s eldritch lair, massive sword clutched in one hand, while the other trailed one finger along the dust covered stones of the wall. Grorm sneezed. “Filthy wizards!” Grorm cursed. “Too stingy to hire a cleaning service.” Grorm bellowed in rage and his inchoate burst of anger echoed throughout the sorcerer’s cramped and twisting corridors. “Yahhh!” Grorm yelled, his massive boot knocking the last door down onto the floor. More dust flew into the air. Grorm sneezed three times in quick succession. “The devil take you, wretched warlock, or I will!” The room was full of books and scrolls and loose sheets of parchment and more books, books on shelves, books stacked on the floor, quills just lying all over the place, there was even a crocodile head or two, but mostly just books. Really it was pretty out of hand. A figure sat with his back to Grorm at a desk at the far end of the room. Grorm strode manfully forward and tripped on a stack of books, tried to get up, but his foot slipped on a piece of paper and he went down with a crash, more dust flying into the air. There was another sneeze. “Damn your eyes, you squint-eyed mountebank!” Grorm staggered to his feet, eyes red and watering. The figure at the desk wheeled around. Yup, wizard. “Oh ho ho, you dull-witted oaf. So you’ve come to match your mettle against the magical, mystical might of Mooglorb the… er… Mighty?” The wizard cackled and stood, arms raised, magical energy beginning to pour through his fingers. “Jubba jubba croopa poopa…” Grorm threw his sword through him. The wizard wheezed his last. “I expect you’ll be wanting my magical swords…” Cough cough. “Nah,” Grorm said, plopping some tiny reading glasses onto his nose, “I came for your books.”

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When in Rome

(I opted not to eat at the Subway…)

Gaius Asclepius Pontius Maximus Erratus swore under his breath. “By Hades fevered breath and all the unclean sandals of Hercules!”* It was hot and dusty and dry and all he’d had for breakfast was a handful of berries and nuts or something.** His sandal strap had broken. Again. “Just my luck, curst by the gods, or etc.” GAPME rolled his eyes heavenward, slung his bag of turnips* over his shoulder and trudged off to the Colosseum, sort of shuffling his left foot so that his sandal wouldn’t pop off. He kept getting rocks stuck in there. He was half tempted to throw his sandals at the blind, one-armed beggar, but then realized he hadn’t dropped any coins in Mercury’s temple for a while. Still, that beggar didn’t look very fast… A herd of swine rushed through the street, nearly knocking him over. He shook his fist at the swineherds and swung his bag in he air around his head. A couple of turnips flew out.**** One hit the beggar on the head who felt around in the dust for it, took a bite, and smiled. GAPME shook his head. He had some turnips. He’d do something with them, he wasn’t sure what. He was sure he’d make oodles of denarii!

 

* In Latin, obvs.

** It was ever thus.

*** Or the Ancient Roman equivalent.

**** It was a pretty shoddy bag.

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A Kind of Low Cunning

(Funny how you never hear about high cunning…)

Rufus Diggory and Gruncemeier Yoiks had constructed an intricate rubegoldbergian trap out of marmalade, duct tape, a jar of pickles, several clothespins, a waxwork replica of King George III (old crazy version, natch), a whole mess of paperclips, three toasters, a triangular cheesegrater, a banana and a half, also banana peel, a chest of drawers in the regency style complete with “pineapple” legs, a gorilla suit (empty), several kegs of some rather tasty stout (partially drunk), a trunk full of middling to poor cheap romance and mystery novels, jellied doughnuts (not part of the trap, but you’ve got to fuel inspiration somehow!), an emperor penguin on a treadmill, literally thousands of dominos all lined up and Ready To Go!, Uncle Scarmantreau’s writing desk full of ball bearings of all different sizes, shark teeth, a musical saw, and an ant farm.

“Delicious!” Rufus cried. “Those neanderthals won’t know what hit them.” He cackled for a bit in a slightly annoying way.

“Rather!” chortled Yoiks and danced a little jig. His left foot hit one of the dominos and the whole trap flung into action. Twelve minutes later they were still standing the dominos back up when the neanderthals burst onto the scene, threw rocks at them, and that was the end of that.

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Gifts of the Gahds

(Like “Oh my gahd!”, you know.)

The Gahd of Sneezes, whose name was impossible to hear and also pretty impossible to spell (but let’s call him Sneezles), was having a bad day. Seriously bad. It had all started when Yowch, the Gahd of Stubbed Toes, had sneezed one too many times and shouted, “Right back atcha, pal!” and, as Sneezles walked away, turned his head and laughed, sure enough, he stubbed his toe painfully on the shell of an imaginary deceased turtle or something and then while yelping–manfully, natch–and hopping out of the way somehow managed to stub three other toes while coming down vertically. “How can you stub your toe with a vertical motion?” Sneezles cried (also manfully, because gahd!) and wiped his eyes for no reason. Being a gahd was tough. Just for that, Sneezles afflicted 37 people with sneezing fits in Cleveland. Ha ha ha, Sneezles thought to himself, feel the might of my sneezes, puny humans! After that, though, things were kind of boring for a while. Just not a lot going down up (down? sideways?) in the Realm of the Gahds. They even got his ambrosia order wrong at the cafeteria. Figures! Sneezles thought and would have smote Ambivilia, Goddess of Getting Your Order Wrong and Not Giving a Fig About It, for it, but… she was not one to cross. Sneezles sat in midair and drank his drink he didn’t quite like until it had all been drunk and then stared off into the middle distance for about 6,000 years. Say what you will about eternity, there’s plenty of it.

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