(Where to start? Where to start?)
1. I have no cake.
2. If I did have cake, I would now have no cake.
3. If I did have cake, and still had cake, I would soon have no cake.
4. If I was gazing long-lastingly at cake, but couldn’t decide to get it.
5. If I was gazing long-lastingly at cake, but decided not to get it.
6. If I was gazing long-lastingly at cake, but decided to get it.
7. If I was gazing long-lastingly at cake, but decided to get it, only to find I had left my wallet at home.
8. If I was gazing long-lastingly at cake, but someone else was eating the last piece.
9. If I was gazing long-lastingly at cake, but it was only a picture.
10. I decide to bake a cake, but have no ingredients.
11. I decide to bake a cake, but am missing eggs.
12. I decide to bake a cake, but mix up baking powder and baking soda in my mind.
13. I decide to bake a cake, but accidentally burn it.
14. I eat some cake, but the frosting is terrible (with those sweet/bitter frosting flowers).
15. I eat some cake, and it’s the best cake I’ve ever eaten, and I know that I will never have cake that good ever again in my entire life.
16. I eat some cake, and it’s the best cake I’ve ever eaten, and I know that I will search my whole life long for cake to equal or better it.
17. I watch someone eating cake, and it’s the best cake they’ve ever eaten, and they tell me so.
18. I eat some cake: it is neither excellent nor terrible: a middling cake.
19. A monkey eats the cake.
20. A monkey throws the cake.
21. A small child eats all of the cake when no one is looking.
22. The small child’s parents look on approvingly as it eats all of the cake.
23. There are a lot of children eating cake.
24. Just recently, a lot of children ate cake, and now they are insufferable.
24b. But I am suffering them.
25. There is only One True Cake.
26. There is no One True Cake.
27. The cake is only a mirage in a desert of desserts.
28. The cake is made from spam/tuna/meat paste/anchovies/cardboard.
29. The cake is a prop.
30. The cake is a CGI cake.
31. The cake got rained out.
32. The cake is really a sandwich.
33. Only Members of the Club get to eat this cake.
33b. I am not a Member of the Club.
34. The cake is all Greek to me, whatever that means.
35. I was too sad to eat cake.
36. I was so happy I forgot to eat cake, and then felt sad.
37. The cake was actually a hat.
38. The cake was actually a hat, as described in the novel Madame Bovary.
It was one of those head-gears of composite order, in which we can find traces of the bearskin, shako, billycock hat, sealskin cap, and cotton night-cap; one of those poor things, in fine, whose dumb ugliness has depths of expression, like an imbecile’s face. Oval, stiffened with whalebone, it began with three round knobs; then came in succession lozenges of velvet and rabbit-skin separated by a red band; after that a sort of bag that ended in a cardboard polygon covered with complicated braiding, from which hung, at the end of a long thin cord, small twisted gold threads in the manner of a tassel. The cap was new; its peak shone.
38a. I don’t know why Madame Bovary‘s hat reminded me of cake.
38b. It’s actually Charles Bovary’s hat; Madame Bovary doesn’t figure in, hatwise.
39. The cake tastes good, but there’s something indescribable missing from it.
30. The cake tastes good, but I know exactly what’s missing from it.
31. I’m still thinking about that not-a-cake hat.
32. The cake is actually a giant chair.
33. The cake is a hamburger and fries. I mean to say, it’s a cake made to look like a hamburger and fries.
34. I only have 33 items in my list of cake sadnesses.