Month: March 2002

old old old

whereas, when the summer sun spins out into the night, these days there’s
just a fevered gray that gets right up there between the eyelids, filling
the brain with clammy dreams. don’t suppose there’s anything to do but wait,
these days, until they go away, until the sun can burn all through that grayness.
these days, a stranglehold of dreams and charmed lies keep me in bed, keep
me buzzing and whirling in the sound of air. that pillow whispers quiet into
my ear. yes. and when I wake and see the mirror, there are fingermarks pressed
red into my flesh. perhaps I’ve wrestled with my dreamself, squabbling over
that stark and ephemeral toast. what can one say, when all around is a cavalcade
of trying waves of thought. when the eyes want to close of their own accord.
cheerily, we march along and then the blackwave rushes past and I remember
being seaward swarmed by ocean as a child. that rush and thunder of water
in the ears and cloudy sanded vision. taste that salt as it forces down your
lips. damning words. mind the sea, mind the sea and don’t remember anything,
but that. you can’t trust it. never turn your back.

old old old

k pooree drinkee drinkee, smokee smokee, golly! who would’ve thought this
monkey would be so etc.? one remembers many words; phrases; stories; whatzit.
seems 9 us is only seems. and all the parts just parcel about the place.
so much unhappiness, indeed indeed, and but I couldn’t figure out why until
later, specifically. and then all the pieces sort of match together into
answers, like portfolios of errata which suddenly sort according to jell-0
molds. footnotes and endnotes and digressions and tangents. conversation
progression: 1-worky; my worky; etc. and brief london mention; la. 2-school–why
do I keep meeting passionate students? it’s driving me batty. do I believe
in signs? perhaps this is one… she’s going for lawyering, mediatation 3-poetry–what
poetry do you like, she says? and the mind goesbrieflyblank… so chatter
chatter, yammer. me. she mentions some, but I foollike, do not write them
down, must get those later… if poss. 3a. do you like bjork? yes, I say.
which is true, but also the right answer. sensed importance, but couldn’t
tell if that was adoration or loathing in her voice, etc. prior to 4-garbledinbrain,but
some kind of pseudoreligiouspolyspiritualsillyclaptrap stuff (how did this
arise? talking about mum’s whatzit? can’t recall… conversation got weird.
i remember bugs. “everything is nothing. we are nothing. we don’t exist.”
but i kept wanting to say, but how does this make life more livable? interesting
stuff about her buddhist friend in india, though. 4a. Locus Solus. I can’t
stop bringing this book up around people. it’s so groovy. i really need a
copy of this book. 5-then with my breakfast gambit, which threw the monkeywrench,
and convo took turn for the better etc. far as I could tell and still more
drinks kept pouring down the gullet. does she smoke when she’s nervous or
is that just me? 6-serverchap wants to cash out, he’s goin’ home! so we decide
to vamoose. “want to go somewhere else?”
etc. me startled, at first. all so, indeed. the powell’s suggestion leadballoons,
but so we wander. decide on: lowkeylowbrow (notlowkeyhighbrow,nothighkeylowbrow,nothighkeyhighbrow)…
and bewildering me, we return to hung far low’s. where the light’s so red,
and the darkness warms the sky. (note: perhaps the cutest hat I have ever
seen. found outside of a bar, or so she) 6a-physical transition=hat, sushi,
sistersushi, the entrancemixup 7-sitting in dark, red candle like, asking
about lighter thingy which she always messssssed with til I commented, then
she sat it aside. funnnnny. abalone thing from mexico, sistergiven or so
I 8-then london again to awesome london underground to mass transit in portland
(possibility of underground here? prob. unlikely, but nice idea) to my loathing
of buses and my, um, busclaustrophobia. not quite a phobia but makes me a
crzy person. and so, then, etc. cars. and then the accident, recent, which
sounded horrible. and then the wild and craziness of the death of her brother
recent (didn’t want to talk about it, but she just did) weird. 9-earthquakes
(perhaps this is what led into caraccidents?) the big one in 89. 10-family
stuff. europeanmuttbutpolish. me it’s irish throughanthrough. geneological
fever in meownfam. 11-mentioned wilde’s selfish giant, dunnowhy 12-always
the conversation swoops and soars. but then it droops into politicks, I’m
so sad and bored and have no more skill at steering than a gobblegore. we
both concur, the wave of influence is receding. in spite of passion etc I
just can’t fall into the political paranoia. 13-if we talked about anything
else I don’t recall it. soon the evening ended. all in all, interesting
and entertaining, a doubleplusgood sort of evening.